Tag Archives: kids


I settled the student with the upset stomach on the cot, and walked back out into the main office. There was a kid on the floor in the doorway, on his knees with his head and chest flat to the ground, completely covered with a black hoodie.

“What’s the story?” say I.

“Concealed by a cloak,” he said.

“I’d say you were moderately successful, but I’ve spotted you. Can I help?”

“I need my medication.”

You’re my favorite, kid.


When my nephew came home from school today, he casually announced “I knew you were here because of your umbrella. If anyone wants raisins for a snack, I have some. It’s still raining, but -,” tipping his head on one side and squinting at me, ” – actually I’d say it was just stopping raining.” Then he took off his coat and shoes, went in his room and brought out his latest Lego creation: a long, unfolding grey serpent with poisonous-looking green barbs and a giant club of a head with beady eyes and a forked, rippling tongue (he used a flag from a pirate set for that). I said, “You’re getting so good with the designing, this is amazing!” He said, “Well, the more sets I have, the better stuff I can design.”

Kid: ONE.


Ahem. We interrupt this Fox and Man conversation to bring you a sentence that is so good, it could only have been uttered in real life. 

I worked as a sub secretary at a school today. Within the first half hour of classes, a tall, lanky boy got into an altercation with a staff member. Leaping up out of his chair in the lobby, he thumped his chest and said, “I gotta whole playlist of inappropriate in me!”
I will never write anything that good. I’m just happy to let you know someone said it.


9:07 a.m.: An impossibly tiny boy with a downy cloud of straight black hair walks into the office with great purpose and, holding up his fingers to show me, lisps, “I found this tiny of a bug, but I wouldn’t really worry about it. It only had one leg, but it was dead, but I put it out the window.” I said, “Good job, buddy.” He nodded, and left.

Today was my second day of actual work as a substitute secretary for the school district. I’ve spent the last two days in the same school, and they have both been nine non-stop hours of work and pandemonium (pandelerium is a better word for it). I’m exhausted, and I haven’t eaten properly in two days, and all my parts hurt, but I HAD FUN. That may seem really strange for two days that included a 911 call and the gushingest bloody nose I’ve ever seen in my entire life and one student injury report and no lunch or bathroom breaks, and I can’t even tell you how many phone calls, but it’s true. I missed this. This is a completely different animal from the job I had at New Trier, but it bears enough similarity that I felt at home even in a completely new environment. I don’t want to do this all day every day anymore, but golly I’m good at it, and it can be so fun.

This was an elementary school, so the kids were much younger than I’m used to and they are hilarious and so sweet. One boy came into the office no less than five times in two days to report on stuff that was in the urinal in the boys’ bathroom across the hall. “Um, there’s a pencil in the urinal.” “Ok, darlin’, I’ll tell the custodian.” “Ok, but actually? I’m a boy.”

I’m too tired to blog any further than this tonight, but I’ve had a pretty great two days. I’m feeling much less nervous about this job, and I’m looking forward to more stories. Maybe next week, after I’ve caught up on my sleep and bathroom breaks.